Episode 98: Why a Toxic Relationship is Like a Cult and Swifties Are Under the Halo Effect with Amanda Montell
Amanda Montell is the author of Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language, and her latest book, The Age of Magical Overthinking: Notes on Modern Irrationality. In this episode, Amanda breaks down cognitive biases that impact us all in the modern information age, from the halo effect driving our obsession with celebrities (hi, Taylor Swift), to the sunk cost fallacy that may make us stay in a relationship that we know is not good for us ("a toxic relationship is a cult of one"). Amanda shares what she learned about these psychology principles to offer groundbreaking advice that will improve your mental health, relationships, joy, and self-esteem.
SHOW NOTES:
On this week’s episode of Ask The Everygirl, Josie and Emma address a listener’s question about how to maintain deep connections with friends. Emma discusses her journey to making more friends and putting a heavy emphasis on friendship at this stage in her life. She explains why it’s important to budget your energy (meaning your money, time, and emotional and mental energy) towards friendship in a society that makes it much easier to prioritize career and romantic partnerships. She also walks through how to focus on quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. Josie adds her tips for maintaining healthy long-distance friendships, including sending cards, because snail mail is so back in 2024. The conversation with Amanda Montell begins with Josie asking her what her younger self would think of her becoming a writer, and Amanda sharing some of her winding path to writing her current book, The Age of Magical Overthinking. Then, Josie and Amanda dive into several of the cognitive biases that Amanda covers in the books, aka the mental shortcuts that are making us all kind of miserable in the current moment. Amanda explains how the sunk cost fallacy can cause all of us to stay in relationships that are unhealthy for us or even cling to situations that are actively harming us. Josie interprets this cognitive bias as a way to stop blaming ourselves for staying in relationships that may not be totally serving us. This then leads the two of them to have a conversation about the additive versus subtractive cognitive bias, which tells us that the solution to problems is to add things, even when we may get to our desired destination faster by simplifying instead. Amanda uses the anecdote of struggling with her sleep and buying lots of things to try to fix the problem, only to realize that the issue was using her phone excessively before bed. Then, Josie asks Amanda to dive into the cognitive bias of the halo effect, and how it influences our relationships with celebrities. Amanda uses Taylor Swift as an example and discusses why we often are harsher in our cycles of celebrity worship and dethronement with women. She provides the idea of the “good enough mother” as a potential solution to this issue. Finally, the two dive into the zero-sum bias, which is the cognitive bias that causes us to make toxic comparisons on social media, especially to people who are similar to us. Amanda provides the idea of “shine theory” to combat this phenomenon. The episode closes with some rapid-fire questions for Amanda.
Must-Listen Moments:
[02:55] Ask the Everygirl: Deepening Friendships
[18:12] Exploring Cognitive Biases with Amanda Montel
[33:54] Exploring the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Personal Decisions
[42:36] Additive vs. Subtractive Solutions in Life
[47:36] The Halo Effect and Celebrity Worship
[59:53] Combating the Zero Sum Game with Shine Theory
[01:09:08] Rapid Fire Questions and Closing Thoughts
More from The Everygirl:
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